Monday, August 24, 2009

Tan-do Attitude

I was digging around under my sink, looking for some nail polish remover, and I stumbled across a forgotten bottle of sunless tanning foam. I gazed at it for a moment, and then at my legs. I've had a shocking lack of sun this summer. Despite the fact that it's the "hot" season, our mornings start pretty chilly and I end up in jeans more often than not. Oh, and I don't have a whole lot of time to just lie around and sunbathe. With three kids and all.

Hey, why not? I thought.

"You know? You deserve some color, legs." I said as I read the label.

Looking for an easy way to catch some sunless rays? Why, yes I am. Just smooth on our spa-grade Sunless Tanning Foam. The built in bronzer shows you right where you've applied, while the sunless tanner goes to work to make your look last. Sweet.

I foamed a mound into my palm and then proceeded to "massage in with hand until absorbed and desired finish is achieved." Okay, so this 'massaging' bit wasn't quite so smooth. There was color right away, sure, but it was sort a burnt sugar color that was streaking up and down my legs. Trying to swirl it around was just creating copper colored designs on my calves. Oh boy. It didn't seem to be absorbing. And it smelled funny. It smelled sticky, if that's a smell.

And then there was the issue of where to "stop" the color. I didn't want to stop too soon and make it look like I was wearing white socks, so I kept going. All the way to my toes. Shoot. This is not good. The color was looking a little orange and I was starting to panic just a little. I tried wiping it off with my fingers, which just started my hands looking dirty and orange. Okay. Breathe. Turning more orange.

Not good.

I thought maybe I needed more, for even coverage. I kept rubbing, and then I realized that my ankles and knees were looking really dirty. I consulted the label. Use sparingly around elbows, knees and ankles. Riiiiight. Information that would have been useful a couple shades ago.

Now I had oompa loompa legs with dirty ankles. Stinky oompa loompa legs. And palms. And I had Recipe Swap with all my friends in an hour.

It was too hot for jeans, but I had to cover these things up. I finally opted for a nice, long maxi dress to hide my legs and I hoped the strawberry spinach salad would distract the attention from my orange hands.

No one said anything. I'm sure they were just too nice.

Anyway. Let this be a cautionary tale for those perusing bottle tans.

7 love notes:

Jessica said...

Yes, I have NOT had good experience with sunless tanners on my skin. So now I just opt for people having to wear sunglasses to protect their eyes from my PASTY WHITE legs.

Happy Mom said...

I used that stuff once when I was asked on a date by a guy I had a crush on and had one day to go from shockingly white to nicely tanned (the date was water skiing). What I ended up with was beautifuly tan and white streaked legs. The color started wearing off in blotches part way through the day, creating a lovely blotchy-streaky look. NOT a good idea!!!! Are your hands still orange!??

Melissa said...

I swear I didn't notice and your salad was great!

Tasha said...

I've never tried and I haven't heard good experiences from it. I just lack in all things cosmetic, so I keep my distance.

Cory Elvidge said...

lol I am so mad at you that you didn't post a picture with this one!

Amy R said...

Haha, yeah, I tried that once. I have since accepted and grown to love my whiteness.

Laura F said...

Man, if only I were white and skinny like you... you look great! I would have loved to have seen the streaks though. The nurse the other day doing izzie's iv had used self tanner and forgotten to wash her hands - try covering that up as a nurse!