At first it was a bad day. The kids were finally in bed, and I felt overwhelmed by all that had not gotten done today. Or rather, things that I had 1) not gotten done or 2) done, and then were undone very quickly. There was the loft full of clean laundry (earlier it had been folded and put away, then more stuff got dirty), there was the 100th sinkful of dishes (I had already done them a dozen times today, then I cooked more food), there were the million, billion, zillion things that had not gotten picked up, or had been dragged out by my conspiring 3 year old and 1 year old and were now strewn about my house. In short, it looked like we'd gotten robbed, even though I had busted my tail all day trying to 'take back the house' as I like to call it. I felt so frustrated, so inadequate. I'd given it my best, and my best just wasn't good enough. A little bit of "Why do I even try???" And maybe a smidge "Crazy, here I come." The day was a complete failure.
And then a tender mercy.
Into my head flowed a list of things I had gotten done. Like...
I refilled my vitamin prescription.
All the kids got baths.
I made a "heart healthy" gameboard and bean bag for Girlie's Valentine's party tomorrow.
I wrote some love notes to people I love. And actually got them mailed off.
I made beautiful bouquets of chocolate-dipped-sprinkled marshmallows for teacher valentines.
I called my (step) Grandma, who was having a lovely lucid moment. Today would have been her anniversary with my dear Grandpa. We talked and cried and I told her how glad we were that she was in our family and how much we love her.
I had a family meeting on "how to properly load the dishwasher."
I flirted with my husband.
I played the piano for my kids to go to sleep.
I snuggled and kissed the heck out of my baby.
I finished up the adorable valentine's that my kiddos are going to give to their friends.
I braided my daughter's hair so that it would be wavy in the morning.
I made a shrimp-pepper-red-onion-snow-pea-quinoa concoction for dinner.
I made arrangements to watch a friend's children so she and her sweetie could enjoy Valentine's day.
And I'm currently making mini blueberry muffins for my son's breakfast Valentine's Day party.
And all of a sudden I realized that it was actually a very good day. Despite the fact that the whole first paragraph is completely true, maybe the day wasn't a waste. Maybe I put some goodness, some love, out into the world. Maybe someone's day was better because I was busy not getting my laundry done.
I'm so glad I had today.
What a blissful start to a new year! So many good things to enjoy, eat and look forward to! Here's a few things that I am loving now...
Okay, friends. I am now in a little bit of weird place where my son is now 6, which is apparently an age at which people begin to frown on him using the ladies room with me. But, consider the alternative--him using the men's bathroom by himself. I'm not a paranoid crazy person, convinced that every bathroom is crawling with pedophiles lurking in every corner just waiting to harm my child while I'm outside. Okay, maybe just a teensy bit, but, hey, read enough news articles and it will happen to you too.
J came home from work with tales of a co-worker's young daughter being 'bothered' by a strange guy while she was in the bathroom with her daddy while they were at the Cheesecake Factory in Bellevue. Did you hear me? At the Cheesecake Factory. In Bellevue. With her daddy!! Because, hello, if that's not safe...
So we were at the store. Sammy was about to wet his pants, and as I pull the cart with all my kids towards the ladies room, a mom comes out and says "Oh, there's a big line in there." Sammy looks desperate, so against everything in me, I say "Okay, just use the boys bathroom." He runs in there, and 3 seconds later a man walks in. I panic, but think "He's probably a perfectly nice man. Don't be ridiculous." and then 1 second later I think, "Forget it. That's my kid in there." I go to the door and prop it open with my foot. "Hey, Buddy, are you done yet? No? Okay, well I'm right here. Do you need any help? Are you sure? I'm right here if you need anything." I kept the door propped open until he came out.
But, he is getting old enough that it's kind of weird that he's using the girls bathroom. On the other hand, he can use the girls bathroom with me til he's 16 if it means I can keep him safe. He can't always hold it, I can't put him in a pull up (just in case), so....
What's a mama to do?
So, I'm not quite sure what I've done. I make a big effort to teach my kids to be grateful for what they have. They know not to ask for things in the store and are generally happy with what they've got. Well...
They seriously think they're not getting anything for Christmas.
Not like 'You were bad, you're not getting anything', but a very matter-of-fact 'We have everything we need. We don't need anything for Christmas.' I know because Girlie's teacher at church asked J if the kids really aren't getting any presents for Christmas?
We had a conversation a couple weeks ago.
Girlie: I am sooooo excited for Christmas!!!
Me: You are?
Girlie: YES!!! I mean, but not for presents or anything, just because I love Christmas and I want to do a service project where we donate newborn kits--
Sammy (looking very surprised and a little skeptical): People really donate newborn kids?
Girlie: No, like onesies and diapers for babies. KITS.
Sammy: Yeah, I'm excited for Christmas too. Not for presents, either.
Girlie: Yeah, we have everything we need.
Me: Yes, we're very lucky, aren't we?
(a pause)
Girlie: Are we really not getting any presents for Christmas?
Me: Have you ever not gotten any presents for Christmas?
Girlie: No.
I just smile.
Fast forward to the conversation where Girlie proclaims to all her friends at church that there are no presents in our household this year. And, while we're doing a more-experiences-instead-of-tons-of-gifts year, of course my kids are getting presents.
But I'm having a bit of a dilemma. Am I Scroogy if I just let my kids believe they're not getting gifts? There's no "I want this", no wish lists, no circling things in catalogs, really...no thought of ...self. And isn't that what I want for my kids? Except...is it? It's weird, because I didn't think that kids would actually be like this. Are they missing some of the excitement of Christmas? We certainly want our kids to focus more on the birth of the Savior, and they're thrilled with the service things we've got planned, and they certainly are getting wonderful gifts and experiences for Christmas. I'm just wondering if they've listened ...too well. We are taking them to see Santa (even though we're not big promoters of Santa), but I'm pretty sure they'll have a blank look when he asks them what they want, since "a farm with horses" is off the table for now. What do you think? Are they missing part of childhood? Or are they exactly the kind of people I have been trying to raise?
Thoughts?
My lil sis is about to have her first baby (as in, due today). And, being the older sister I find it my duty to be the Official Dispenser of Unsolicited Advice about being a parent. Here are some of my favorite tips that people have given me, in no particular order.
1--Sometimes when your child wakes up from a nap they will be happy, sometimes unsure, and sometimes freaking mad at the world. There's nothing you can do, just ride it out and they'll get over it soon.
2--Get on their level when you're having an important or disciplinary conversation.
3--When they ask for you, say "Yes?" because it sounds so much nicer than saying "What?"
4--Never buy them something in the store in the moment they're asking for it. Come back later and buy it. Or, when they're small enough, you can still buy it without them seeing it. Save yourself some future entitlement issues.
5--You cannot spoil an infant by holding him/her too much. Too soon they'll be pushing you away saying "'Nuff love, Mommy, 'nuff love!"
6--Write down all the cute things they say, because contrary to what you think, you won't be able to remember them all and write them down later.
7--Empower them. Give them stools and put things on their level so they can help themselves (like putting kid dishes on a shelf their level so they can 'set the table' for snack time, ).
8--Every chance you get, tell them how special they are and how much you love them.
9--Natural consequences: "If I have to spend all of my time and energy cleaning up this mess by myself, I will not have any energy left to {do that fun thing that you wanted to do}" makes more sense than "Clean this up or we are not {going to do that fun thing}!!"
10--People are more important than things/everything is disposable. It doesn't matter how long it's been in the family, how expensive or new it is, or how much you loved it as a child--it can be ruined and thrown away. Just keep telling yourself that people are more important than things.
11--Use encouragement, not praise. I know, sounded weird to me at first too. Examples:
"Wow! You figured that out all by yourself!!" vs. "You are so smart!!"
"I enjoy your sense of humor so much! You make me laugh!" vs. "You are so funny!!"
They might seem the same, but using the first phrases (the encouragement phrases) leads a child to draw conclusions about themselves ('I am smart/funny'), which is infinitely more powerful for them as a person, than for their self esteem to be based on judgements (praise phrases) from others. Praise can acutally be very damaging to their self esteem, because they can come to rely on on praise and will struggle when they don't have it from others.
12--Warning: You will love your baby so much that you can hardly stand it. You will be so out of control, head over heels, crazy in love with this little person that you honestly think that your heart just may burst out of your chest. You will know that you've never witnessed anything as amazing and miraculous as this little person, and you'll be so utterly enchanted with your child that, could he/she ask for a whole herd of ponies, you'd do it in a heart beat. Your breath really will catch in your throat, and you will be so excited about your child that you will experience such a high of emotion that would be exhausting if it were about anything else, but is instead exhilarating. It is a phenomenal, life-changing kind of love.
Join in the advice giving! What's your favorite parenting tip?
A. The big field that we go to play in every fall because our backyard is too small and we don't have these beautiful leaves, and Mommy takes a million pictures of us. Oh, yeah, and a newspaper too.
