Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I Miss(ed) Bread

I met her at Menchies to break up.  I'm sorry... it's not you, it's me, I told my BFF (Best Food Friend), Melissa.  I had tried to break up earlier that year but it didn't stick.  Melissa and I like to eat.  Not like "let's split a salad", but "Hey, are you done with your seconds?  Let's head back."  It's a joy to have a friend who you love to eat with. But it was time for a break. 

You know those "I'm going to lose __ pounds" new year's resolutions that everybody makes?  Well, I don't.  Why?  It's a guaranteed failure.  I'd rather feel too heavy than too-heavy-and-a-failure.  BUT, at the dawn of this new year, J and I challenged each other to a six-month Biggest Loser competition.  We've actually had only one weigh-in, since we're so busy, but I did win that one.  We're taking into account pounds, inches, percentages (and I've added 'effort' to the categories, which should ensure some sort of prize for me).  As incentive, we each got to pick our prize. Prize for the finance guy? My massage gift card that I haven't used since he gave it to me as a mid-pregnancy gift (that baby turns 3 next month), and 5 ten-minute massages from me whenever he wants. Prize for the designer with a possible shopping 'problem'? The Pottery Barn photographer's tripod floor lamp that I have been lusting over for several years. (I actually told him that I was going to buy the lamp regardless of who wins because I have worked so hard).

We're down to about a month until the final numbers are tallied.  The scale hadn't really the right direction at least.  I was working out regularly, but I had pumped it up to "I-have-to-be-sore-from-the-workout-at-least-once-a-week."  Friggin' NOTHING.

So I came up with a secret plan to win.  It had come to something drastic.  Something I've not really attempted since high school, when I thought I was fat but actually was skinny.  I had to alter what I was eating. If you know me at all, you know I love bread.  I mean, a deep and abiding love for bread.  Love. Bread. And all baked goodness, really.  But I know a few people recently who lost massive amounts of weight due in large part to cutting out carbs (say it like it's a bad word).  My brother-in-law lost 25 lbs in 2 weeks (I'm sure half of that was because he is a guy and can lose weight just by thinking about it).  I figured that should secure 1st place. I took the plunge and dropped carbs and sugar from my diet.  It was a week of Greek yogurt, nuts, fruit and veggies, chicken, lettuce wraps, cottage cheese with fruit, fruit leather. I felt like Emily Blunt on 'The Devil Wears Prada' who says "I'm on a new diet, where I don't eat anything at all and right before I feel like I'm going to faint, I eat a cube of cheese."  J is in 'busy season' at work and is rarely home for dinner, so he had no idea what I was or was not eating. 

Bingo, right?  Except not

Friday rolled around, and a few weeks of single momming it, capped by a Friday of crazy offspring ruining my dresser with nail polish and pouring out bottles of essential oils left me weak. Weak.  So when I heard "Hey, I'm heading home--I'll be there for dinner, want me to pick up pizzas on the way home?" I said yes, yes, a thousand times yes.  So weak. And, oh, it was heaven!  Cheap pizzas never tasted so good!  For the first time in a week I wasn't hungry!!!  I truly think there is something literal in "comfort foods".

Saturday: Girlie's birthday.  I am not about to skimp on treats when we're celebrating a birthday.

Sunday:  Invited to a friend's for dinner and J is right there, so I can't explain why I'm not eating the amazing layered Jello and whipped cream dessert.  It would ruin the 'secret' part of my diet.  So I had to eat it.

Monday:  Memorial Day.  A good day for eating carbs.  Plus J was home.  See how I'm winning?  By eating carbs and not telling him my secret diet, then he doesn't know, and so I will win!!  Catching my twisted mind game, yes? Evil laugh.

Tuesday:  No school again.  So, really like another vacation day.  (I also don't have to go to the gym on vacation days).

Wednesday: Pasta night at Recipe Swap.  That's right, pasta.  Why don't we just call it "Get Melynie Fatter" Night.                                                                                                              

You see where this is heading. By now I had altered my diet to "Don't Eat So Many Carbs."  Then came "Only a Little Bit of Sugar."  "Carbs and Sugar only on the Weekends" and finally "Back to My Regular Healthy Eating, With Exceptions Made for Stressful Days, Birthdays, Weekends and Special Occasions."

I know what you're thinking...where is she going to put that lamp??  Right?;)

I ran into one of my newly-skinny friends and mentioned how great she looked to J that weekend.

He suggested that maybe we should try a carb-free diet.

I snickered.

UPDATE: This post was written a month ago.  The 'diet' came crashing down and died a sad, slow death when my friend Vanessa had a birthday and some of us celebrated with avocado egg rolls, chicken madeira, and coconut-chocolate cheesecake.  I am now days away from the final weigh in. Last night we made homemade ice cream for family night.  That was right after the apricot almond and fresh strawberry pies that we made this weekend. I think you get the idea.  Ah, well.  I am licking my lips very happily. ;)  And this, friends, is why I don't diet.