Tuesday, September 15, 2009

One of Those Moms

Well, school started, and we're gradually getting into the swing of things. The scheduled time, the crowded parking lot, the whole business of learning. It's good. It's really good. My kids were ecstatic about starting school--Girlie in 1st grade, Sammy in a co-op preschool. Girlie was thrilled that one of her best friends from Kindergarten was in her first grade class, too (above) and I was thrilled that she got the cutest, most loving, awesome teacher (below).

This is Sammy on his first day of preschool. His backpack was chock full of...stuff (extra underwear and shirts, stuffed animals, Leap pad, water torpedo)...anything, really, that one might need on the first day of preschool.

I think this stance says "I'm just a little too cool. Oh, yeah."

But. All this brings me to my 'issue'. I think I'm one of those moms. We've been in school now for about two weeks, and I'm still hovering. In my head I know I need to give my kids a little shove out of the nest--they certainly have no problem with separation, but it' I still (with the two boys in tow) linger on the playground until the morning bell rings. My heart actually constricts as I watch my tiny, 39 lb First Grader navigate a playground full of gigantor 6th graders. I tear up when I see her find a group of fellow tiny friends, hugging and chatting very excitedly about whatever first grade girls chat about. I should leave at this point, I know. But I stand there mesmerized until the bell rings and I follow at a respectable distance as she walks with her little friends to line up at the classroom door. She watches me from the corner of her eye, and still blows me kisses before I go. I, again, should leave at this point, but I kind of hide behind the shrubbery, making sure that she makes it the two feet from the line to the door.

First grade is something new. It's like the beginning of the end. She will now spend less awake time with me than with someone else, and it's hard to wrap my mind around that. My overly dramatic imagination grieves at the idea of being separated, and when I forecast it out to letting go of her at wedding doesn't bode well. For her and her groom, in particular. I've clearly established the benefits (financial and otherwise) of her growing up and living close by. I think she's sold.
Some parents, I know, are all too eager to kick their kids out the door and onto the school bus. I wish I could be a little more like that. But, luckily for me, we live out of bounds, so I get to drive her there every morning, and see her just a little longer.

I know I need therapy or something. Or at least I'm going to when she leaves for BYU. Or maybe I could just move to Provo... But, I digress. The point is, I'm one of those moms who can't let go so well. It makes my heart hurt.

Then again, I'm sitting here, both older kids gone and Little Buddy down for a nap, and, I'll be honest, I'm enjoying the silence.

6 love notes:

Happy Mom said...

That's the dicotomy, isn't it! I'm the same way, probably not to the same extent, but it's the same emotions. I don't want them to go. It's so hard to let them, but once you do, it's really kind of nice to have some time with out the multiple children demanding your attention at all times!!! And then I feel just a smidge of guilt that I'm enjoying my time without them!

Amy R said...

I'm one of those moms, too. I realized this when Michael wanted to invite a friend from school over. I went to meet his mom first & she pretty much would have shoved him out the door without knowing my name, number, or address. If it were reversed, though, I'd have a few questions. Like are you guys serial killers? Do you have any handguns lying around, full of bullets? Do you walk around naked at home? You know-- standard questions that "those" moms might have.

Holly said...
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Jessica said...

I know exactly what you mean. Don't worry, it just shows how much you love your kids. Jake is all too thrilled to leave me and head on the bus to school, but I definitely stand there watching the bus drive away far longer than I should. And I definitely worry about him being safe and arriving safely. I know it is a good step for me though!

I am just happy he is still young enough to enjoy waving to me through the bus window. The day is rapidly approaching when he will be sorely embarrassed to brave that gesture.

Aubrey said...

I'm the same way. School seems really long every day. I'm glad we have short days on Wednesdays here. Luckily the kids have both agreed that they want to live with Mommy and Daddy forever. I'm just going to pretend that they won't change their minds as they get older.

Liam's Mom said...

Your post and your friends' comments tearing me up because I am the same way. You'd think since I've been handing my child off for almost 4 years now that it would get easier. It doesn't for me. Taking Liam to public daycare/preschool was the kicker in August. I cried my eyes out that first week and I still find myself getting to that place then blocking out those emotions altogether because I can't cry every day. Gosh, love really does hurt.

P.S. Love the cool guy photo. What a stud!